Should Actual Bostonians Ever Go to Cheers, Faneuil Hall, or Mike’s Pastry?

Illustration by Dale Stephanos

Welcome to “The Salty Cod,” a monthly column in which humorist Steve Calechman grapples with uniquely New England dilemmas. 

Yes, but they don’t, because these places are touristy, which means they’re crowded, and also pretty cheesy. But that’s exactly why we should go more often than we do. We all need more cheese in our lives. After all, the beauty of pretending you’re on vacation in your own city is that there are no chores, errands, or judging eyes. So yeah, “I’m gonna get a box of cannoli.” (That’s the plural, by the way; cannolo, the singular, before you ask.)

Of course, we’re not on vacation. We live here, and that’s the problem.

Some denial is in play. We scoff at these places. We say that we hate them, but…“They’re still ours. They still belong to us,” says Leora Lanz, associate professor of marketing at Boston University School of Hospitality Administration. And in that way, they’re like our relatives. We’ll rip them, mock them, never visit them—but if attacked or slighted, we’ll defend and defend hard. Yeah, it might be lame, but is your town the inspiration for the best sitcom ever? Didn’t think so.

It also doesn’t help that we got old. At one time, Faneuil Hall was fresh and cool and exciting, but you know what? So were we, and we can’t recapture that thrill anymore, so it’s easier to stay away. But the younger generation doesn’t care about any of our stuff. They just want to go there, or to Mike’s, or even Cheers, because they’ve never been, and where else are you gonna see it? It’s the same thing we do when we visit Abbey Road or Philadelphia and take yet another photo crossing the street or running up steps. Unoriginal? Less than cultured? Oh yeah. More fun than a museum? Oh yeah again.

And sure, we resent the tourists. They meander, ask questions, and don’t know when to turn. But mostly, it’s because they’re having a good time on a weekday in our town, when we should be the ones having the fun, because we’re goddamned fun people.

So here’s a challenge. Go to these cheesy, overrun places. Maybe Mayor Michelle Wu will make it an official campaign, Discover Your Boston, though she probably won’t. (But she should.) And one of two things will happen. They’ll either blow, and you’ll be proven right—and we love nothing more than being right. Or they might be good, and then you’d have to let yourself enjoy it. A hard concept to swallow, but one made easier with a cannolo. Or better yet, six.